people don’t understand why i want to quit highschool
there are times, where i completely understand why school is necessary in our society, giving children the basis, teaching them teamwork and coexisting and whatnot
but there are also times, when i find my thoughts maniacally racing in class, barely able to sit still, thinking about love or society or issues or children in the world or space and the stars or writing or drawing or my capability to give something, to do my own part here, to travel around and learn more, outside of this box-shaped society. there are actually so many thoughts that i find it so hard to arrange or organize them. but i cherish them, they make me happy
school isn’t making me happy
think of a really strong emotion. let’s take a common one - anger. just uncontrollable rage, overwhelming you and making you grind your teeth. now think of yourself sitting in classes for 8 hours, feeling that anger that makes you want to be throwing glass bottles against a brick wall instead of sitting there and trying to bury it in your head. trapped?
i believe many of us have felt real joy. like this really happy, content state of mind. now think of it as an emotion of same might that i described anger with. think of feeling all the love in you that makes you wanna go out there and help someone, share knowledge, share love. also evolve for myself, meditate, get inspired, travel, lay under the sun and climb a mountain. they say, “you can do it after you graduate! you don’t even have to go to university right away, just go travel if you want to” or “there are inconvenient things in life, that we have to deal with and it’ll pass”. but then there’s me and i believe hundreds and hundreds of other children who have their simple way of thinking, “why am i not allowed to do it now? why can’t i decide for myself, which environment do i want to live in? i’m 18 and i want to travel and see thing while i’m still 18? (or insert some other age)”. i know there are a lot of people who are all about “bah the society is so screwed up, you go to school, then work, start a family, work ‘til you die” but are STILL doing all this themselves.
i am so saddened by seeing how so many people live in fear to step out of it. i know there are also people who seem to be content with it but i feel like shit when some people have a burstout to me i the middle of schoolday of how tired, stressed and sick they are and how studying makes them feel almost suicidal (this is probably just an expression for them to explain the intensity of their stress). they say the environment there brings them down. they don’t want to. but they still do. and my favourite sentence by teachers would be “gymnasium is not mandatory, you know” and it seems almost brilliant if there wasn’t any emphasis on the rest of the sentence “BUT if you won’t graduate, you’ll be nothing, you’ll be a janitor at a local supermarket, bla bla bla you’ll have no money no big car no big house”. see, what you’re doing is pretty much leaving children only one option.
i, myself, occasionally enjoy working along in class. debating, discussing, taking part in conversations. i’ve learned a lot of new things. but, what i couldn’t give less shit about, is people grading me for that. i honestly do not give a damn about some numbers. us, sitting at rows of tables, occasionally getting a few mean words or two for not behaving correctly. “you are a grownup already!” thanks for setting the line, man. i plan on staying a child ‘til i die. this does not certainly mean acting childishly all the time, more like having the capability to feel like a child, to feel harmless, a bit naive and not so gloomy and feel that everything is actually fine with me.
i’ve had pretty dark times in my life and for me to feel that i am actually okay, i am capable of helping others and handing out love without actually taking something away from myself. and it feels great. and yes, i’ve always been more prone to sorrowfulness, so for me to actually start to discover my worth is epiphany at its finest. all this should summon up a bit of the reason why i cannot sit still at school
sometimes the whole concept of school eludes me. the concept that onegose to a place, and attains knowledge from somone who attained knowledge from somone else. to my childlike self, it seems rather dumb. one other point is that we do not even get to pick the knowledge we want to learn. although i’m not at all in the whole american way of thinking, i must say when i lived in the states and went to a public school there then true - it is way easier than in europe but hey, you get to choose classes and there are so many creative things on the list. like, hell with it, i adored drama class. it was the last class of my day and here it would usually mean me laying on the table thinking how exhausted i am of sitting there, but in drama class i came alive
this one time, the concept of school meant socrates taking a dozen of students out on a grass field and telling them some things that he knew about life. i know it’s not even possible anymore these days but it’s just something that is nice to think of
so anyway, right now i am most motivated because of my parents and my classteacher. also my fellow classmates, who have been a great support. i used to think i was a lone wolf, but now i see how we are all connected and how living beings affect one another. within last few years i’ve learned so much and have so much people in my life that i am grateful to.
i’m saddened by how fucked up our school system is, especially gymnasium. i’m also sad because i don’t know the solution to this and the people who would maybe if they thought about it, don’t believe anything’s wrong at all. i know, let’s say one teacher in my school who sees that. but since she’s alone, she plans to quit. a shame that you have to have been taking psychology classes to understand things like that
i’ve tried explaining his to the school council but they are stuck in a box. saying mean things that makes me uncomfortable with the fact that i am daily even in the radius of those people; giving me moral about how “YA THINK YOU’RE 18 AND SMART NOW HUH” when all i’m trying to say is that, no, i don’t think i know everything nor will i ever know everything, but i am just expressing my feelings about learning about myself and life other ways than sitting in class 8 hours a day
this probably explained maybe, let’s say, half of what i feel. i am so full of this love energy, electricity that makes my mind flow in the most pleasant of ways. i know a lot of people dislike me for some reason or feel endangered by me. i have no idea where this comes from, maybe i’ve had a bad day, maybe they’re skeptical about the case i had a few years ago in america, they google my name and can only think of “wow, she’s probably horrible”. they never let me speak tho. i don’t hate anyone. i’m not asking anyone to like me. it’s just that i love so many people. so now when i do speak, someone i always far from content because of my words. it may be confusing and hard to read because of my incapability to put borders on different concepts when i talk or write but it’s a bit difficult when your mind is going faster that blazing speed
thankyou
